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Infidelity is Trauma? Yes - TRAUMA!
When we hear of a terror attack, racially motivated violence, or natural disasters most people will recognize these events as having profound traumatic damage to victims, witnesses, families, and many others. Stress reactions to infidelity mirror the symptoms of Acute Stress Disorder and can lead to prolonged symptoms of full blown Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD (Cano & O’Leary, 2000; Gordon & Baucom, 1999).  

Infidelity distress is not limited to the moment of confession or discovery. Relationship betrayal stress can start with the inner whisperings of suspicion. Something seems off. Suddenly, I can never reach my partner’s cell phone – My partner is suddenly critical of everything I do (Lazarus & Folkman, 1987). Weigel & Strout, 2021) 

Your Brain on Relationship Betrayal
Our nervous systems are continuously assessing whether we are safe, or in danger (Cozzolino, 2014; Levine, 2010). As we interact with our environments (including relationships) we encounter various stimuli, and can we engage coping mechanisms. For example, if walking down a particular street does not feel safe, we can just choose to go another way, take bus, call an Uber (Lazarus & Folkman, 1987). But what happens if what we encounter exceeds our ability to cope? That is when the brain’s alarm system, the amygdala, goes into high alert – and calls upon every single system in the body to prepare us to run away or fight the threat -we call this the fight or flight response. Adrenalin releases, heart rate and respiration increase, muscles tense, increases. The human nervous system is a simple, yet elegant mediator between threats we encounter and our survival. 
Isolation and shame often prevent cause individuals and couples fail to seek help or even characterize their experience as trauma. 

Your Brain on Infidelity ©2021 -Dr. Angela DeCandia

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​Emotionally Focused Therapy - EFT
​can help...

For the partner who has been betrayed

• Help you understand what happened in a safe and structured way so you don’t feel overwhelmed by your emotions and needs for answers
• Identify your vicious cycle of interaction with your spouse to effectively de-escalate your conflict when you attempt to have a conversation about what happened
• Help you to address the infidelity directly to work together instead of against each other
• Manage anger and other difficult feelings when you are triggered 
• Identify what needs to be done to rebuild trust, safety, and security.

For the partner who has been unfaithful:

• Help you with full disclosure is the best road to protect, not destroy, your marriage
• Identify ways to prevent shame and guilt from prompting you to shut down and withdraw in difficult conversations 
• Help you to let go of shame so you can engage openly with your partner
• Communicate your sense of remorse successfully with your partner to cultivate acceptance and forgiveness
• Help your spouse heal and rebuild trust and security with you 
• Create a closer connection with your partner even when you face shame and other difficult emotions

• A relationship betrayal is traumatic. Infidelity has been found to occur in 25% of marriages (Gordon & Mitchell, 2020). ​
• Infidelity can cause prolonged distress that mirrors the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD (Dean, 2011).
• Studies suggest the impact upon the betrayed is significant, regardless of whether the infidelity was sexual, emotional, in-person, or virtual (Guitar et al, 2017).   ​​